It has been a while since I wrote here or anywhere. To tell you the truth, I’ve been busy raising the most beautiful sweet little girl and when I get on the computer I have a million other things to do. And getting on the computer sometimes hurts me. I get aches in all sorts of places, my back, now my arm is hurting I can’t bend it making it hard to eat, brush my hair etc. But I really feel like I need to write this post today.
What is the topic? Being myself.
Colton and I watched a movie about a high school experiment last night and it got me to thinking. Everyone is so excited to be rid of high school when it is done, but that is not the case. No not at all. I have found that life is just a big continuation of high school. Things are just heightened in high school because so many people are forced to be together everyday. But problems don’t end there. There are still cliques, the cool lunch table, worrying about what to wear, how to look, etc. When I was getting ready to go to BYU someone warned me I wouldn’t like it there because it was too cliquey. They were wrong. I thrived there, I can’t say I fit in all the time, but I did that first year and I thrived, thrived more than I had any time in my life up to that point. I made some wonderful friends there and when I really tried I fit in just fine.
Fast forward 7 years, that is how many since I’ve graduated. Since then I have found that I don’t really fit in with LDS women. At least those my own age. Why not? I don’t know. I have lots of theories. I probably haven’t found the right group. And I’d like to say that it is my fault. Why is it my fault? Because I gave up when I had a really hard time. In my first ward I moved in newly married, served in the primary for a while and then was called to the Relief Society. I was excited for my callings and learned a lot from them. So much, my testimony was really deepened and I learned what the church was about. I would never trade that experience. I have almost finished writing it down (80+ pages, something I’ve been busy doing and haven’t writing in here). I just have one more major aspect to write about, the welfare system. And trust me it will get done. But with all good learning/testimony building experiences the adversary works just as hard. And he knew where to push my buttons, how to make me feel inferior.
There was a woman in the ward that hated me, despised every aspect of my being. I prayed and prayed to know what to do with her. One time by chance we sat together in the temple and she didn’t say a word. She would see me at the grocery store, I would say hi and she would scowl. I don’t know what brought on this hatred, I never did anything to her. I prayed and prayed about what to do with the situation and had no idea. We tried to sort it out over email. Which is wrong, I should have talked to the bishop and had him preside over a talk or something. But I was soooooo scared to even bring it up with him or anyone. She told me “You should know that you and I are not friends because I do not like the way you act toward people. You have an abrasive quality about you and I cannot be friends with someone who makes others feel bad.“ At this time I was devoting EVERY SPARE SECOND I had to the sisters in the ward. Things she would never know about. It was really tough to hear this criticism and it made me feel like everything I was doing was in vain. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and cried. My journal is devoted to trying to understand her hatred. I didn’t understand where the hatred came from. I would have to say this distracted me and made me feel not as confident in the job I was doing. Was I doing a bad job? I felt like people had to take sides without knowing there was a war. It was hard. So I finished up there, and I knew I was supposed to be there, the spirit has witnessed that to me several times. And moved away. Since then I have found many people from that place have “unfriended” me. Every time someone did that I would cry inside and outside. Until one day I had an epiphany. I wrote to myself:
“Satan does not want you to think that you are capable of helping others. Remember all the good you did and that you did help many people. Don’t doubt yourself. He would have you think all the time you spent was in vain and no one appreciated it. But you did help people and you don’t need praise for it. Don’t focus or worry about who you didn’t help or connect with, because you never will get along with everyone, but focus and REMEMBER the good you did and remember the LORD appreciates what you did and you are capable of a lot of things and the Lord will use you as an instrument to do his work if you are willing and YOU CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS WITH HIS HELP!”
I don’t know where her hatred came from or why people unfriended me, that is between them and the Lord. I just know how I dealt with it, how I let it eat me was not a good thing. I should have talked to her, or the bishop. It’s hard because in the church you would think we would build each other up, forgive each other of our trespasses. There can be so much good with women who are united. After that I just stopped thinking about them and tried to pray for them.
Not wanting to be vulnerable again I moved into my new ward and decided to not try. I gave up on trying to have LDS women friends my age. Which I so desperately needed. It was lonely, but I really focused on befriending those that were lonely/not active/older which was a good thing. And I made some amazing friendships. I had two real friends my age and we would have girls nights all the time. But I can’t help thinking there could have been more. In that ward there were a group of women that had their own “group” and never invited me in. They all had kids I did not. They were surely more stylish than I was. And they were all worried about fitting in to their group. I can’t say they were perfect or if they would have accepted me if I had tried to fit in with them. But I never tried. I would say I tried a couple of times, but got scared from the exclusivity and closeness they had and backed away. I didn’t let them know the real me. And a shame to say there are probably many women who I would have connected with.
When I had my daughter I saw a lot of support from the ward, but not the kind I needed. I saw people on Sunday and they asked how I was doing. I needed friends, people to do things with. I am not a person that can be alone for days. And having a baby you fall into isolation pretty easy. And I didn’t get that in the ward. My two good friends weren’t available. One had moved away when I gave birth and the other had a full time job. I got an email from the hospital about a new mom’s support group. The group was far away, I didn’t deliver close. But I went and it was the best decision I made after giving birth. I connected immediately with the group and found myself being able to adjust to this new life, being proud of being a stay at home mom. At lunch one day they suggested adding me on facebook and I got scared. What if they unfriended me? But I friended them anyways and am glad I did. I felt so loved and connected and included. Then my father passed away. Again I didn’t get the support from the ward. I did get a meal from my visiting teacher and she offered to chat anytime I needed, but she was from the “group” and I didn’t have a real connection with her. Not enough to bare my soul without feeling guilty. I didn’t want her to feel obligated to listen to me. I went back to the hospital group and they were so kind. They had all signed a card while I was gone. It brought tears to my eyes. Many women came up and said they had lost their father. That is what mourning with those that mourn is, comforting those that stand in need of comfort. A facebook group was created, many outings planned, book clubs, recipe exchanges, birthday parties, toy exchanges. Just like a Relief Society. I have moved far away, but I am still part of this group and can share with these women/ask them questions. It is amazing!!!!!!!! It is amazing the power women have when they bond together. AMAZING. Tragedy has struck many in the group and everyone is so supportive. When I moved away they sent me a birthday card. I got Christmas cards from many of them.
I moved to CA and found a similar group there, at a breastfeeding support group. They included me right away, we went to the park, swim lessons, play dates, farmer’s markets, walks. Talked about everything about or babies, gave each other ideas. I am not as close to them since I moved, but while I was there it was just what I needed.
The next place I moved I had a lot of family. And little A had a lot of cousins to play with. I didn’t really have time for a mom’s group. And in the place I am now with Christmas I haven’t found a group. There are a lot of kids A’s age in the ward, but I don’t think anything is going on. And honestly I am scared to get anything going. I probably won’t try since I will only be here a few more weeks.
But I came to the realization that is I was going to be here longer I need to put myself out there. Try to make friends. And not be scared. I can no longer be scared and cut myself off. I need to put myself out there and make friends. And when we do settle down, try to find some close friends. Maybe it will be a repeat of what happened in my first ward, but maybe it won’t. Maybe it will be like the mom’s group I found and I will make some lasting friendships that will stand the test of time. I won’t know unless I try. And if I don’t try I will never know. I will never give up on the gospel, I have such a strong testimony of it. And I know there is a greatness that can happen when women band together.
‘President Boyd K. Packer said: “This great circle of sisters will be a protection for each of you and for your families. The Relief Society might be likened to a refuge—the place of safety and protection—the sanctuary of ancient times. You will be safe within it. It encircles each sister like a protecting wall.”6‘
I know that some people have this in the church, but I don’t. I certainly connect with older women, but I really need to start connecting with women the same as me, that are going through the same things I am. I can not be scared. I need to try that much harder to connect with those my age. I need to invite them to do things with me, even if they say no. Friend them on facebook even if they unfriend me. I need to try. Yes when I try I may get hurt, but if I don’t try I won’t have the opportunity of finding that great sisterhood I so desperately need in my life.
